PARENTS USING VIDEO GAMES TO TRAIN CHILDREN FOR UNDERGROUND FIGHTS?!

Don’t worry, it isn’t true. I was asked to write a humorous article for the college’s spoof paper and this is what I came up with. Hope you all enjoy it, and get at least one laugh from it. And, as always, thank you for reading!

PARENTS USING VIDEO GAMES TO TRAIN CHILDREN FOR UNDERGROUND FIGHTS?!

Could it be true? After sales of video games such as Street Fighter IV, Tekken 6, and Fight Night Champion skyrocketing over the past couple months, it was believed that many gamers had become new fans to the fighting genre. However, after numerous accounts of bruised and injured children attending elementary schools across the state there had to be a connection.

To discover the truth behind this mystery, I visited the local Wal-Mart to see if I could discover any inside information, though none of the employees had any details that could help in this investigation. Still, I was able to gain a lead by witnessing a peculiar event taking place in the Electronics section.

A father and mother entered the section with stern looks on their faces while dragging their black-eyed child along with them. He shouted, “I don’t want a video game! I don’t want one!”I could not imagine any child not wanting a video game, so I continued to view the scene. The father held the child as the mother gazed at the glass case, home to the Xbox 360’s catalog of games. She pointed out Street Fighter IV and I overheard her saying, “Maybe we can teach him how to throw a Hadoken (a fireball) . Then we’ll always win,” followed by the father smiling at his son, “How about that? Would you like to throw Hadokens?!”

Intrigued, I stayed put to witness a number of other children trying to avoid Electronics. Adding to my confusion were parents arguing over the last copies of UFC: Undisputed 2010.

To further my investigation I followed one family back to their home. Inside, they hounded the poor child to continue playing video games. Even when he looked up and ask to do his homework they shouted back that he was going to keep playing until he learned every move.

Inching ever so slightly to the truth, I stalked the nearest Play N’ Trade searching for information. Instead of me finding the facts though, the facts found me. A strange man approached me while I was asking around and told me that he would talk, but it had to be someplace safe because “they” were always watching. From that moment, I knew I would have to tread these waters carefully since danger was afoot! (Insert suspenseful music here)

We met at a coffee shop and when I asked his name he refused and said this conversation never took place. He went on to inform me that many parents had discovered a new form of gambling. It involved children battling it out in underground matches utilizing moves from popular video games. I was astounded, appalled, aroused, amazed, astonished, in abhorrence, felt antipathy; I couldn’t think of any other a- words to describe how I felt. I then asked where these matches were taking place and, after much persuasion (and having two less Abraham Lincolns in my wallet), I had discovered the location of these underground brawls.

On my way to Chuck E. Cheese, I prepared myself for the worst. I pictured children performing 12 Hit Combos and fatalities on each other while parents laughed in the background tossing money about. Sick to my stomach, I walked toward the dark corner of the children’s playhouse to find a man guarding a door to the back room. He asked for a password and I told him the one given to me by the mysterious man I conversed with earlier: Toasty (a Mortal Kombat term said by a rather strange man with a high pitched voiced after fighters performed an uppercut for those who do not understand the reference).

I was allowed in after being handed a flyer with the club’s such as rules:

1. You do not talk about Super Smash Children: Brawl.

2. You DO NOT talk about Super Smash Children: Brawl!

3. Moves must be utilized from fighting games only.

4. A $20 donation is recommended but not mandatory.

And then I shuddered! I walked into a ringed arena where children batted each other while parents howling out at them to perform moves such as a Yoga Teleport and Bicycle Kick. They even yelled out Toasty in unison every time a child landed an uppercut on the other.

I immediately left and ran to the police only to be met with laughter. Even when I was able to get one of them to accompany me to Chuck E. Cheese, there was no trace in the back room of the event as if it never happened. They believed me to be crazy but I know what I saw. Do not buy into the lies of these so-called loving parents. I notice many of them giving me an evil glare. They’re onto me because they figured out that I know the truth. But you can pick up where I left off! You can help these children! I plead with you all, help stop this madness and save these poor children before any of them have to suffer another Dragon Punch again!